UNKE CHEHRE PAR UDAAASI BHI KHUBSOORAT LAGTI THI

I had a strange disbelief that I was related in some way to Nutan . Or how would I have had the privilege of meeting her , knowing her and exchanging talks with her on the 36th floor of her apartment in Sagar Sangeet in Colaba on several occasions - Ali Peter John

I was a nobody who only used to see her photographs in old film magazines placed on the table of the Taj Hair Cutting Saloon which was a dingy little place where barbers and lawyers from Utar Pradesh worked ,cooked, ate and slept in one room .

My first darshan with Nutan was when my school showed us a film on a tattered white screen and the film was "Chhalia" with Raj Kapoor and Nutan in the romantic lead .

I didn't know who Manmohan Desai was but I saw his name on the screen as the director of the film. Nutan had charmed me , a boy of only: twelve .

I had a sister who was called Esther who was as poor as me, but whose only ambition was to see the films of Nutan and I together with a friend fulfilled her ambition to see the films of Nutan at the matinee shows at a Sangam theatre near our house and the far flung theatres in the city where tickets were sold only for a rupee .

My facsination for Nutan grew stronger when I saw her in different films with stars like Ashok Kumar, Dev Anand and Sunil Dutt .

I realised what good and great acting was when I saw her in different kinds of films like "Sujata" , "Bandini" , "Tere Ghar Ke Saamne" , "Milan" "Khandaan" and " Anari" .

She had become a goal for me which I would reach one day . That was the hopeless declaration I had made to myself.

As destiny would have it , I joined Screen and felt my goal drowning closer . But it was still a long way to go but I didn't give up hope .

One evening there was a call and my right hand man Pramod Manjrekar told me that there was a call for me from Nutan and I just couldn't believe him and cont in continued reading galley proofs of articles written by my seniors .

But Pramod kept firing me and telling me that it was Nutan on the line . I reluctantly took the call and it was Nutan herself on the other side .

She said she was Nutan and I wondered why she should have said that when I knew that it was her voice and I was shaking with excitement .

She said that she read my column and even the articles I wrote and complimented me for the way I wrote .

I was silent till she said she wanted me to join her and her husband , Commander Rajnish Bahl and their son Mohnish for drinks and dinner that night .

I told her that I had vertigo problems and would not be able to sit on the 36th floor. She told me that her driver would pick me up and lead me to the 36th floor and she would make me sit in a room where I would not be able to see anything , especially the ground below .

I Couldn't make any more excuses . I stopped her driver near a bar and had three large gulps of brandy and I was brave enough to even to fly a fighter jet .

The Bahl family was at the door to welcome me and even with my slightly drunken eyes I couldn't believe what I was seeing .

It took me time to know that I was sitting with my goal , the great Nutan sitting right in front of me with her husband and son .

I had a few more drinks and felt high and then higher than the sky . I didn't know whether it was Nutan and her beautiful face that was making me drunk or the fear that I was on the 36th floor which was my first experience .

That was my first dream meeting with my goal . And as I sat talking to her visions of her many faces in her films flashed before my eyes and I realised how very beautiful she was when she performed and how she was even more beautiful when she cried and looked sad in the scenes she did , scenes which got her all the major awards and the kind of admiration very few actresses have ever had .

She was now an older actress and was only interested in her son finding some good roles and it was this ambition of a mother that made her take up the roles of a mother from directiors who she believed would give her son some good breaks in their films .

It was nothing but a sacrifice made by a loving mother when she agreed to play mothers in films like "Main Tulsi Tere Aangan Ki", "Saajan Bina Suhaagan", "Meri Jung", " Itihihaas" " Naam" and "Karma".

She won the Filmfare Award for her performance in " Main Tulsi.... ", She was appriciated for her performances in "Meri Jung", "Naam" and ,"Karma", but she was not happy with this phase of her career after having her her name etched in the hall of fame .

She did it all only for her son and she was frustrated and even depressed when none of the directiors who promised to cast her son kept their promises and she stopped playing the mother and took to doing shows in which she sang her own popular songs from her films . But this effort made by her also failed.

She kept falling sick and was finally diagnosed for Cancer of the throat . She was a completely changed woman now and spent most of her time praying at a small temple near Colaba .

Her condition grew worse and she was admitted to the Breach Candy Hospital where she had Mr Ramnath Goenka , the founder of the Indian Express Group Of Newspapers who was also being treated for Cancer .

One Saturday afternoon , I was sitting with my friends at the Press Club and drinking when I received the news about Nutan's death and I could feel the alcohol going out of my system .

I told my friends that I had to go to attend Nutan's funeral and they made fun of me , but I took a cab and was at the Banganga Crematorium and saw that the body of Nutan dressed like a Hindu bride was lying on an ordinary bier and the pandit was performing the final rites .

In the distance I could see only two stars who were standing in mourning , Dev Anand and Sunil Dutt.

Dev Anand had told me that he didn't like attending funerals , but he had broken his own custom and had left all his work to bid farewell to one of his favourite leading ladies .

The sun was setting in the distance and Mohnish Bahl lit the pyre of his mother and within minutes , the great and phenomenal actress went up in flames and the smoke went into the sky and her memories joined the sun , only to rise with the sun in the morning and then live on for all time .

For the first time , I found meaning in words when the small crowd at the Crematorium raised slogans like " jab tak chand sitaare rehnge, tab tak Nutanji aapka naam rahega "

KUCH LOG ZINDAGI AISEI SHAAN SE JEETE HAI KI MAUT UNKI ZINDAGI KO MAAR NAHI SAKTI. WOH AMAR PAIDA HOTE HAI , AMAR JEETE HAI AUR MARTE HAI AUR APNI NISHASNIYA CHHOD JAATE HAI JO AMAR HOTE HAI